The Flip Medley

J Allard: The pleasure is all mine, man. And please, call me J.

WS: I’m not sure if that’s even a name, can I call you James?

JA: Don’t fuck with me, man. I can break you just like this hanger. [Allard takes a discarded plastic coat hanger from the floor and proceeds to snap it with relatively little effort]

WS: Understood. I must say, such a feat of strength is impressive given those mountain biking injuries you recently picked up.

JA: It’s no big thing dude, we on the Xbox team are always hurting ourselves. We’re just passionate about living life on the edge, you know – mountain biking, ultimate frisbee at company picnics, gorge walking, shit like that.

WS: I see.

JA: I don’t think you do, man. Most people just can’t handle that kind of lifestyle, and that’s why we make videogame systems. A game can give the ordinary man a taste of what I experience all day every day without the threat of damaging their frail bodies. But don’t start thinking that Xbox 360 will be safe, it’s hardcore through and through, baby!

WS: In what sense will Xbox 360 be less ‘safe’ than previous consoles?

JA: Well the games are a big part of it, shit like Rainbow Islands Zero and Harvest Moon 360 ain’t for pussies, but with this generation it’s mostly the spiders.

WS: Spiders?

JA: Word. When you take your Xbox 360 home the box will contain one console, one controller and a nest containing thousands of tiny poisonous spiders. What we’re saying here is that Xbox 360 isn’t a system for passive entertainment, it’s an experience. The panic that ensues as you struggle to stop the thousands of spiders spreading throughout your house is just a taster of how you’ll feel in an intense 32 player online game of Lemmings Tactics. Look, I brought some along to give you a sneak preview! [Allard reaches into the pocket of his scruffy velvet suit jacket and pulls out a handful of spiders] There’s your freakin’ exclusive, man!