While I don’t really think politicians or their aides should commit ritual suicide to atone for crimes committed in office, I cracked up on this faux journalism from an article “The President Should Do The Right Thing And Commit Ritual Hari-Kiri“, as published in The Onion:
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The one called Clinton has shamed his House, his family and his ancestors. He has divided the nation and heaped indignities upon the highest office of the land. He has brought dishonor to his people and to his position. There is only one way for him to step down with dignity, set an example for the children, restore his people’s faith in the presidency, and heal this nation’s wounds. He must submit to seppuku, ritual suicide, and disembowel himself with a ceremonial short sword, driving the blade into the left side of his abdomen and then drawing it rightward across his stomach, before turning the blade upward, toward his heart.
How else can Clinton regain face before the American people? He has clearly violated the Bushido code of conduct prized by all honorable men, behaving without dignity, honesty, loyalty or courage. Even before the scandal, he behaved more like a common Hohei of the lowest rank than in a manner befitting a Daimyo nobleman. When campaigning for president in 1996, did he take care to avoid contact with truck drivers, auto workers and other persons of low social bearing? Sadly, no. And, when in public, does his wife remain a respectful several paces behind him at all times as simple decency demands? She does not. These insults are bad enough. But now, hiding behind words and a cowardly legalistic defense of his dishonorable actions, he has disgraced himself to the utmost.
He has become more of a dog than a man.
Throughout the entire crisis, Clinton has done only one honorable thing, and that is to declare war. However, even in this he has displayed cowardice, striking at Iraqi military targets with computer-controlled air-to-surface guided missiles instead of giving the young men of his nation the privilege of sacrificing themselves in the Divine Wind of the kamikaze. His wife and child have not even hurled themselves into the sea to regain face for their lineage and family name. Before long, Kenneth Starr and the Republicans will carry the head of their enemy through the streets in a kubibukuro bag, delivering it to their Lords and Masters singing songs of triumph!
Your leader’s duty is clear. He should make a pilgrimage to the temples and shrines of his native Arkansas prefecture, and there offer gifts and tributes of rice, fruit and prayers, beseeching his ancestors for their blessing and strength in what he must do. Then he should return to Washington, kneel upon a traditional tatami straw mat and, in absolute silence, plunge the blade into his torso.
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