The Fix-Up
When you’re single, it’s both a blessing and a curse to have friends attempt to cure you of your condition as a singleton.
I especially enjoy it when friends look me square in the eye and tell me, “I know someone who would be perfect for you!” because, quite frankly, I know that I am about to learn a lot about what that friend thinks about me.
It also makes me wonder if some of my friends really know me at all, but hey…
This week’s amusing fix-up comes via a friend of mine from college who shall remain nameless. We don’t see much of each other, but she’s always been a sweetheart, and rarely acts the role of a busybody. So let’s watch how this one unfolds.
It begins with this (seemingly) harmless inquiry in to my relationship status. I’m not the type who goes traipsing from relationship-to-relationship, stepping over the body of my ex on the way to the next, so my friend knew the odds favored me being single. To her credit, she does ask what my status is…
Subject: Hey!
To: flip
Are you still single and available? If so, I know a
lady that might be a good match for you. Would you
like me to find more information?
Have a great day!
Of course, this is scary and exciting because, quite frankly, I know this could be very bad. I have never had a fix-up go well. It’s like my friends pick people who are like funhouse mirror distortions of what would really work for me. I partially blame myself because, hey, I may emphasize certain things like, “It wouldn’t hurt if she looks like one of Prince’s protegés”, or “I really dig a girl who is smart!”, or “I like a chica who can drive a car with a manual transmission”, or one that probably confuses them “I want a woman who can put up with me.”
For example, here’s what I think when I see Mayte Garcia, former Prince protegé:
So, naturally, I respond with the sentiment that this question is scary and yet intriguing.
Subject: Re: Hey!
To: FRIEND-WHO-SHALL-REMAIN-NAMELESS
I am so scared and yet still very single and available. Hmmmm!
Now things get a bit confusing for my friend…
Subject: Re: Hey!
To: flip
What does this mean? yes, I should find more info about her?
…before I make it clear, that yes, I am interested in meeting a single available woman who might make my brain light up like this:
Subject: Re: Hey!
To: FRIEND-WHO-SHALL-REMAIN-NAMELESS
Yes! What’s the story? Who is this person? 
…which led to this exchange…
Subject: Re: Hey!
To: flip
She’s a nice girl. Her mom is very talkative and very
funny just like you. She(the daughter) works in my
department doing documentation and configuration
management stuff. I know she is single but I’m not
sure how available she is at the moment. I think
she’s in the late 20’s.
This is all I know for now. She’s out sick today so I
will talk to her tomorrow. I’ll write tomorrow.
Being naturally suspicious, and wanting to jerk my friend’s chain a little, I react as if this person may have The Black Plague. Or was bitten by an ebola monkey.
Not an ebola monkey, but equally disturbing. Plus, I think having a picture of him in my blog makes me look that much better by comparison…
Subject: Re: Hey!
Date: July 18, 2007 7:42:56 AM EDT
To: FRIEND-WHO-SHALL-REMAIN-NAMELESS
I need more information! And if she’s sick, that’s a little scary… I don’t want to catch any diseases!
And then I get this response.. the possible deal-breaker:
Subject: Hi!
Date: July 20, 2007 7:47:31 PM EDT
To: flip
Hey you!
The girl I told you about has been out sick this
week… maybe she’s pregnant! I’ll write as soon as I
get a chance to talk to her.
Have a great weekend!
The girl I want to introduce you to has one in the oven, and oh, by the way, “Have a great weekend?”
Whoa!
I can’t even begin to wonder why my friend thought this might have been a good match for me, but rest assured, I’m going to ask her “WHAT THE F*CK WERE YOU THINKING!??!?!?!?!??!!?!??!” the first chance I get.
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