“I’m not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday.”
I was recently reminded me of my favorite faux radio station (Chatterbox FM) in “Grand Theft Auto 3” when Fernando Martinez is a guest on a show hosted by Lazlow:
From the GTA 3 Chatterbox FAQ:
Fernando: “The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed.”
Lazlow: “Err, thanks, so tell me about ‘Fernando’s New Beginnings.”
Fernando: “Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is…how you say…sacred. The bond between the father and the mother…it is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom…if you know what I mean.”
Lazlow: “Err…I think so…heh…”
Fernando: “For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many, many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and….she must also be a whore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible…you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not.”
Lazlow: “Well, I mean, you know, it’s an age-old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?”
Fernando: “Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger…how, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you…a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because…you do not know!”
Lazlow: “Well, I mean in this case, ignorance…err…kinda seems like bliss…I err…I wasn’t really up for kissing on air…or I mean…”
Fernando: “Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?”
Lazlow: “I mea…you brought it up!”
Fernando: “No my friend…you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a big difference. If I say, ‘imagine if your wife was ugly’, you can nod your head. But if I say, ‘hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday’s dinner after I eat.’ You not so happy. It is a big difference, my friend.”
Lazlow: “‘Anyway…”
Fernando: “The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man…is born…a man. And a man with needs…he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Sueño…”
Lazlow: “So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he’s found all kinds of uses for the office furniture.”
Fernando: “Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I can save you. And I can save your marriage.”
Lazlow: “Eh-heh, my marriage doesn’t need saving, heheh!”
Fernando: “Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he’s not thinking marriage bed, he’s thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see.”
Lazlow: “Aahh…go on…”
Fernando: “But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the ‘come-here-and-do-this’ smile, and then what my friend? What then?”
Lazlow: “Erm…I get a sexual harassment suit!”
Fernando: “If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize, ‘Fernando, you are blessed!’ You, are a miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and, you save the man. You don’t put the marriage first, and you don’t put the man first. Maybe, we call it ‘Man Marriage.’ Then I think to myself…no…this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it ‘Fernando’s New Beginnings.’ Because that is…what it is. A new beginning Lazlow.”
Lazlow: “So, how does this work?”
Fernando: “It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread…six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life.”
Lazlow: “How?”
Fernando: “By giving him what he needs…in a controlled environment. I give him passion.”
Lazlow: “What…with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!”
Fernando: “Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course.”
Lazlow: “What, so you act like a pimp?”
Fernando: “Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday.”
Lazlow: “Eh-heh…and…and do the wives know about this?”
Fernando: “In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved.”
Lazlow: “Errr…okay. We’re gonna open it up to the phones. If you’ve got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now…eh…hey cool, we have a caller on line 1, caller, you are on Chatterbox.”
Jerry: “Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name’s Jerry, and I’m a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say ‘hey Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there.’ I’ll tell you one thing…he’s a miracle worker! He saved my marriage…and I married a bus of a woman! Now I don’t feel sick every time I open my eyes!”
Fernando: “See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man… a ‘ma’, if you will. He has no ‘n’ anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see Lazlow…Mrs. Jerry…she is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like a whole offensive line…he feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries…’Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife…even though she is a fat porker!’ And I say ‘Jerry, you are a man. It is a mans duty to love his wife…even if she is like a farmhouse.’ Now, Jerry is saved.”
Lazlow: “By…sleeping with other women.”
Fernando: “Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing.”
Lazlow: “A beautiful union by a…an adulterer and queen Kong! That’s great. So err…who’s on the line now?”
Janice: “Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you have on the show?”
Lazlow: “Hey Janice, I share your anxiety…the studio kinda…forced him on me!”
Fernando: “Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?”
Janice: “No, he’s an idiot! And a jerk!”
Fernando: “But he’s probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty, angry, and a
little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me…cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve-dos-nueve-dos”
Lazlow: “Eh-heh….listen…don’t try to pimp-out my listeners!”
Fernando: “That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk-show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue.”
Lazlow: “Eh-heh…who are your people anyway? I..eh…which exotic location do you come from?!?”
Fernando: “I am…I am Latin.”
Lazlow: “Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?”
Fernando: “I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!”
Lazlow: “So, err…er…where were you called from, Fernando??”
Fernando: “From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I’m not real Latin, but I
provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday. Listen…wives, children…if your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week…I give you the world!!!”
Lazlow: “Get off, get lost, you’re just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!!!”
Fernando: “I save your daddy….I save your husband…it is a miracle…..!!!”
Lazlow: “Get outta here…!!!”
Fernando: “It is a miracle!!!”