Archive for November, 2007

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Does Your Mom <3 Gilbert Arenas?


2007
11.20

Three women from Iowa have spent almost $10,000 to catch Gilbert’s jersey when he throws it in to the crowd at the end of a game, and they finally got one…

Courtesy of the DC Sports Bog < -- that's correct, it’s called a bog. :-)



Amanda shows off the prized jersey. (All photos courtesy Julie Walker)

I first met the Operation Gilbert Arenas crew last April, as the Wizards’ season was falling apart.

To recap, three female NBA fans from Iowa had become enamored with Gilbert when he high-fived one of their daughters at a T-Wolves game a few years back. So they got courtside seats to the Wiz’s game in Minnesota last year, planning to get Gil’s jersey by any means necessary. But a massive blizzard prevented them from making the game, and their friends–who used the tickets–failed to get the jersey. So the ladies made blinged-out “Operation Gilbert Arenas” t-shirts and bought airline tickets and courtside seats for the Bulls’ Wolves’ trip to D.C. last spring, but by the time the game rolled around, Gilbert’s season had ended due to injury. The ladies were thus oh-for-three when we met, but they vowed Operation Gilbert Arenas would continue until its mission was fulfilled.

This operation was rejoined last Friday, when the Wiz journeyed back to Minnesota. Of course, the OGA gang was petrified that Gilbert’s balky knee would prevent him from making the trip, but their plan had already been made. This was the plan: a rented limo to ferry an expanded group of six women (wearing six blinged-out t-shirts) the five hours to Minneapolis, courtside seats near the Wizards’ bench, total expenses of about $6,000, and an early-evening scouting trip to the floor, where they met Wiz Manager of Team Services Jackie Miles. Miles talked to Gil, who promised to blog about Operation Gilbert Arenas and told the ladies to make sure to yell so he knew where they were.



Gil signing. Hero Jack Miles is in the brown suit on the left.

“So, of course, we were yelling our heads off,” said Julie Walker, the ringleader of OGA and the mother of major Gilbert fan Ashtin, 14. “Everybody around us knew what our purpose was: our purpose was getting the jersey.”

Gilbert waved to them, and Miles kept telling them to keep yelling, and so they cheered for the Wizards throughout, earning several appearances on Comcast SportsNet’s game coverage. The game ended, the Wiz won, and Gil approached the OGA crew.

“It was kind of surreal,” said Amanda Young, one of the original three. “He stopped right in front of me. I was like, ‘It’s coming to me, I know it is.’ ”

The jersey flew through the air toward Young. Time stood still. And then? Chaos. A 20-something fan flew over Young’s back and tried to tear it out of her hands. They struggled. Security approached. Curse-words were issued. The kid kept trying to claim the piece of blue fabric that the OGA crew had spent two years and nearly $10,000 attempting to acquire.

“I wasn’t about to allow that to happen,” Young told me. “I was like, ‘I will bite you!’ I had to rip it back from him….One of the girls was like, ‘I always thought of Amanda as sweet and innocent, but I saw a side of her I hope never to see again.’ ”

“They told me if he threw it anywhere close to us, they would go to jail, they would get bloody, they would do whatever they had to do to get it,” said Walker, who was screened off from her crew. “It didn’t come back with blood on it, by the way,” she added.

Yup, that’s right, the good guys won. Arena security and Miles helped ensure the jersey remained with its rightful owner; Gilbert then signed the jersey and all six Operation Gilbert Arenas t-shirts. Some other fans warned the OGA crew that their nemesis was out on the concourse talking about getting the jersey back, so the ushers transported them across the floor so they could make their successful getaway, with Amanda wearing the jersey so it would be extra-hard to steal.

“We were totally in shock, totally,” Julie said. “[Friends] said, ‘You don’t act excited;’ I was like, ‘I’m past being excited.’ I think we’re still in shock, you know.”



The original OGA crew: Cyndi Crossett, Amanda Young and Julie Walker.

One question, perhaps, remains. (Well, two, if you count the question of whether Gilbert will blog about this.) Why did three women from Iowa travel halfway across the country, create blinged-out t-shirts, rent a limo, buy a second set of courtside seats, take a 10-hour trip that brought them home at 5 in the morning and spend nearly $10,000 to get a jersey from a player they have no natural reason to care about? Julie considered the question. Her daughter, she told me, thinks that Gilbert and Julie are similar: they relentlessly pursue their obsessions, maximizing their fun along the way, without regard for whether that makes them “different.”

“Everybody would think I’m doing something quirky to get that for her, but to me that’s normal. I think he would do the same thing for his kids if they wanted that, don’t you?” Julie asked me. “I don’t know, we want to make our kids happy. Yeah, we went to the extreme. But it was worth it.”

Anyhow, Julie brought the jersey to work yesterday. The photos from the evening are already on the OGA crew’s desktops, and the jersey and possibly the t-shirts will be framed by Christmas. Gilbert now has six more fans in Iowa, as do the Wizards, and Operation Gilbert Arenas, they assured me, will live on.

‘It’s complete,” Julie said, “but it’ll never be over.”



The OGA crew and their limo.

The celebrity I most resemble is…


2007
11.17


Me gesturing wildly

Jon Favreau in ‘The Break Up’

Jon Favreau in “The Break Up

I think this is a bit less scientific, but more accurate than MyHeritage’s assessment

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“It is a miracle!!!”


2007
11.16


“I’m not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday.”

I was recently reminded me of my favorite faux radio station (Chatterbox FM) in “Grand Theft Auto 3” when Fernando Martinez is a guest on a show hosted by Lazlow:

From the GTA 3 Chatterbox FAQ:

Lazlow: “And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of ‘Fernando’s New Beginnings,’ a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando, welcome.”

Fernando: “The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed.”

Lazlow: “Err, thanks, so tell me about ‘Fernando’s New Beginnings.”

Fernando: “Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is…how you say…sacred. The bond between the father and the mother…it is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom…if you know what I mean.”

Lazlow: “Err…I think so…heh…”

Fernando: “For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many, many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and….she must also be a whore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible…you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not.”

Lazlow: “Well, I mean, you know, it’s an age-old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?”

Fernando: “Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger…how, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you…a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because…you do not know!”

Lazlow: “Well, I mean in this case, ignorance…err…kinda seems like bliss…I err…I wasn’t really up for kissing on air…or I mean…”

Fernando: “Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?”

Lazlow: “I mea…you brought it up!”

Fernando: “No my friend…you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a big difference. If I say, ‘imagine if your wife was ugly’, you can nod your head. But if I say, ‘hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday’s dinner after I eat.’ You not so happy. It is a big difference, my friend.”

Lazlow: “‘Anyway…”

Fernando: “The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man…is born…a man. And a man with needs…he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Sueño…”

Lazlow: “So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he’s found all kinds of uses for the office furniture.”

Fernando: “Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I can save you. And I can save your marriage.”

Lazlow: “Eh-heh, my marriage doesn’t need saving, heheh!”

Fernando: “Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he’s not thinking marriage bed, he’s thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see.”

Lazlow: “Aahh…go on…”

Fernando: “But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the ‘come-here-and-do-this’ smile, and then what my friend? What then?”

Lazlow: “Erm…I get a sexual harassment suit!”

Fernando: “If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize, ‘Fernando, you are blessed!’ You, are a miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and, you save the man. You don’t put the marriage first, and you don’t put the man first. Maybe, we call it ‘Man Marriage.’ Then I think to myself…no…this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it ‘Fernando’s New Beginnings.’ Because that is…what it is. A new beginning Lazlow.”

Lazlow: “So, how does this work?”

Fernando: “It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread…six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life.”

Lazlow: “How?”

Fernando: “By giving him what he needs…in a controlled environment. I give him passion.”

Lazlow: “What…with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!”

Fernando: “Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course.”

Lazlow: “What, so you act like a pimp?”

Fernando: “Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday.”

Lazlow: “Eh-heh…and…and do the wives know about this?”

Fernando: “In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved.”

Lazlow: “Errr…okay. We’re gonna open it up to the phones. If you’ve got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now…eh…hey cool, we have a caller on line 1, caller, you are on Chatterbox.”

Jerry: “Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name’s Jerry, and I’m a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say ‘hey Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there.’ I’ll tell you one thing…he’s a miracle worker! He saved my marriage…and I married a bus of a woman! Now I don’t feel sick every time I open my eyes!”

Fernando: “See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man… a ‘ma’, if you will. He has no ‘n’ anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see Lazlow…Mrs. Jerry…she is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like a whole offensive line…he feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries…’Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife…even though she is a fat porker!’ And I say ‘Jerry, you are a man. It is a mans duty to love his wife…even if she is like a farmhouse.’ Now, Jerry is saved.”

Lazlow: “By…sleeping with other women.”

Fernando: “Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing.”

Lazlow: “A beautiful union by a…an adulterer and queen Kong! That’s great. So err…who’s on the line now?”

Janice: “Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you have on the show?”

Lazlow: “Hey Janice, I share your anxiety…the studio kinda…forced him on me!”

Fernando: “Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?”

Janice: “No, he’s an idiot! And a jerk!”

Fernando: “But he’s probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty, angry, and a
little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me…cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve-dos-nueve-dos”

Lazlow: “Eh-heh….listen…don’t try to pimp-out my listeners!”

Fernando: “That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk-show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue.”

Lazlow: “Eh-heh…who are your people anyway? I..eh…which exotic location do you come from?!?”

Fernando: “I am…I am Latin.”

Lazlow: “Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?”

Fernando: “I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!”

Lazlow: “So, err…er…where were you called from, Fernando??”

Fernando: “From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I’m not real Latin, but I
provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday. Listen…wives, children…if your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week…I give you the world!!!”

Lazlow: “Get off, get lost, you’re just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!!!”

Fernando: “I save your daddy….I save your husband…it is a miracle…..!!!”

Lazlow: “Get outta here…!!!”

Fernando: “It is a miracle!!!”

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Look at the polish stripper!


2007
11.15


polish stripper

I did my part — I used the appropriate capitalization rules to lower your expectations. :-)

Color-ism


2007
11.14



Buttersafe 2007-11-13 Superstitions


Sometimes it’s more subtle than you realize…