…

As you might have heard by now, the Patriots are 6-0, they’ve outscored opponents by a 230-92 margin, and Tom Brady might quintuple Gus Frerotte’s QB rating before everything’s said and done. In each of those six wins, they specifically went for a meaningless touchdown just to stick it to their opponents. Here’s the complete list:

Week 1 at New York Jets (38-14): 1-yard TD by Heath Evans, 1:58 left.

Week 2 vs. San Diego (38-14): 3-yard TD by Sammy Morris, 3:18 left.

Week 3 vs. Buffalo (38-7): 45-yard TD catch by Randy Moss, 10:22 left.

Week 4 at Cincy (34-17): 14-yard TD catch by Randy Moss, 3:18 left.

Week 5 vs. Cleveland (34-17): 15-yard fumble return TD by Randall Gay, 0:42 left.

(Important note: This came one play after the Pats failed to convert the “Eff You TD” on fourth-and-goal from Cleveland’s 4 when Brady just missed Kyle Brady in the end zone.)

Week 6 vs. Dallas (48-27): 1-yard TD run by Kyle Eckles, 0:19 left.

…

I ran the entire program today, Saturday April 5th. Got up and got dressed in the Decorator suit, then hit the antique stores (Exposed Accelerated Collector). Had brunch with Lucy and Cindy and got Cindy’s number, though Lucy called later and asked me to teach her to ski (Big Fat Opening). Did the volunteer work for Humane Society 2-4 and got to know Leslie; am working on her from the Trojan Facade angle and am planning for her to invite me camping over Memorial Day. Finally, implemented Interested Listener on date with Sonja with spectacular results. Am discovering more patterns and strategies every day but think IL is most effective. More later; she just came out of the bathroom.

—Christopher Alexander

Q: I’m a 33-year-old freshman in art school and I have this roommate that makes me have very violent thoughts.

She is 22 and her room looks like a Care Bear ate a box of crayons and then barfed all over. She jingles down the hallway cuz she wears her diary key on her ankle. She sits in a fold-up playpen in the living room so she can play cute-animal videogames while playing with her chinchilla. She also wears a felt hat with cat ears on top.

Any time I ask her something she either has this 14-year-old attitude or she complains with this horrid whiney voice. I want to throw her from a speeding train.

I’ve been in my place for four years and she moved in about two months ago. How do I get her to move out?

—Kate

It doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything wrong to me. I mean, sure, she might be a little weird or immature, but those are just personality flaws that you would have known about before she moved in. The way her room is decorated, the way she dresses, what she does in her spare time, these things are pretty inconsequential, and they shouldn’t really bother you that much.

As for her attitude and whininess, she’s probably just reacting to your obvious dislike of her. If you don’t like living people who are immature, maybe you shouldn’t agree to live with someone 11 years your junior. She shouldn’t have to move out suddenly because you made the wrong decision.

Q: I think my boyfriend “Jack” is gay. If you were to look at him you’d see the very Christian, very Republican, very George W. Bush-admiring man that I love. But now I have doubts about his feelings.

Once before I noticed Jack went to Gay.com and I asked him about it. He said he went to the site to tell the men they were sinners, so besides being upset he would do something like that I let it go. A few days later I came home and saw a pic file on my computer labeled “Jack” and I thought it must be a photo of him. Wrong. It was of some guy masturbating. I deleted it from my desktop.

Yesterday I came home from work and kicked him off my computer so I could do some work. Jack offered to help me with something; he fiddled with the program and when I turned my back I saw him close the window and move a picture file labeled “Jack” to the recycle bin.

I know if I confront him he’ll deny it unless I have a picture. Besides, he’s so uptight and Christian I think he’s throwing himself deeper into denial. Porn I can understand—it’s normal to want to see photos of naked people. But of a guy?

Jack is affectionate and kisses me everyday and he sleeps over a lot, though we are not having sex (we’re both waiting until marriage). What should I do? Does this sound like he’s gay?

—Emily

It’s really not my place to say whether this guy is gay. Sexuality is not a straight or gay, black or white thing. There are infinite variations in between.

Maybe he is gay. Maybe he’s straight and just bi-curious. Maybe he’s 100-percent straight and is afflicted with that disease that all those Christian Republicans have where they’re fixated on what other people are doing in their bedrooms.

The fact of the matter is, if you’re concerned about what he’s doing on the computer when you’re not looking, you owe it to yourself to talk to him about it. Only then will you make any progress in finding out what he’s thinking about.

Q: I recently left a long and serious relationship. Shortly after the breakup, a guy I’ve been best friends with all of my life asked me to marry him.

I have no physical attraction to him, and think of him like a brother. We’ve never dated, and he’s never even hinted that he has feelings for me.

What the hell should I do? His friendship means the world to me, but I don’t want to be his wife! Is there a pleasant way to say no?

—Sara

Awww, poor guy. The most pleasant way to break it to him would be to tell him just what you told me—his friendship is really important to you, but you don’t want to marry him. It might be a little awkward after you turn him down—his ego will be bruised and whatnot. But if you’ve been friends for this long, you’ll be able to work through the awkwardness eventually.