Q: I’m a 33-year-old freshman in art school and I have this roommate that makes me have very violent thoughts.
She is 22 and her room looks like a Care Bear ate a box of crayons and then barfed all over. She jingles down the hallway cuz she wears her diary key on her ankle. She sits in a fold-up playpen in the living room so she can play cute-animal videogames while playing with her chinchilla. She also wears a felt hat with cat ears on top.
Any time I ask her something she either has this 14-year-old attitude or she complains with this horrid whiney voice. I want to throw her from a speeding train.
I’ve been in my place for four years and she moved in about two months ago. How do I get her to move out?
—Kate
It doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything wrong to me. I mean, sure, she might be a little weird or immature, but those are just personality flaws that you would have known about before she moved in. The way her room is decorated, the way she dresses, what she does in her spare time, these things are pretty inconsequential, and they shouldn’t really bother you that much.
As for her attitude and whininess, she’s probably just reacting to your obvious dislike of her. If you don’t like living people who are immature, maybe you shouldn’t agree to live with someone 11 years your junior. She shouldn’t have to move out suddenly because you made the wrong decision.
Flip says: Maybe I’m biased, but… if she really does sit around in a felt hat with ears on top, I’d say that’s a pretty frickin’ weird. That said, I think this could be solved by simply shooting her and claiming that you thought a feral animal was loose in your place. What jury in the land would convict you?
Q: I think my boyfriend “Jack†is gay. If you were to look at him you’d see the very Christian, very Republican, very George W. Bush-admiring man that I love. But now I have doubts about his feelings.
Once before I noticed Jack went to Gay.com and I asked him about it. He said he went to the site to tell the men they were sinners, so besides being upset he would do something like that I let it go. A few days later I came home and saw a pic file on my computer labeled “Jack†and I thought it must be a photo of him. Wrong. It was of some guy masturbating. I deleted it from my desktop.
Yesterday I came home from work and kicked him off my computer so I could do some work. Jack offered to help me with something; he fiddled with the program and when I turned my back I saw him close the window and move a picture file labeled “Jack†to the recycle bin.
I know if I confront him he’ll deny it unless I have a picture. Besides, he’s so uptight and Christian I think he’s throwing himself deeper into denial. Porn I can understand—it’s normal to want to see photos of naked people. But of a guy?
Jack is affectionate and kisses me everyday and he sleeps over a lot, though we are not having sex (we’re both waiting until marriage). What should I do? Does this sound like he’s gay?
—Emily
It’s really not my place to say whether this guy is gay. Sexuality is not a straight or gay, black or white thing. There are infinite variations in between.
Maybe he is gay. Maybe he’s straight and just bi-curious. Maybe he’s 100-percent straight and is afflicted with that disease that all those Christian Republicans have where they’re fixated on what other people are doing in their bedrooms.
The fact of the matter is, if you’re concerned about what he’s doing on the computer when you’re not looking, you owe it to yourself to talk to him about it. Only then will you make any progress in finding out what he’s thinking about.
Flip says: Okay, so your boyfriend is gay. Or at least bisexual. If that bothers you, I’ve got a friend named
Barry who is 110.2% hetero, and I’m sure he’d rock your world until you’re chanting “1-4-3″ like a whipped little kitty with a felt hat.
Q: I recently left a long and serious relationship. Shortly after the breakup, a guy I’ve been best friends with all of my life asked me to marry him.
I have no physical attraction to him, and think of him like a brother. We’ve never dated, and he’s never even hinted that he has feelings for me.
What the hell should I do? His friendship means the world to me, but I don’t want to be his wife! Is there a pleasant way to say no?
—Sara
Awww, poor guy. The most pleasant way to break it to him would be to tell him just what you told me—his friendship is really important to you, but you don’t want to marry him. It might be a little awkward after you turn him down—his ego will be bruised and whatnot. But if you’ve been friends for this long, you’ll be able to work through the awkwardness eventually.
Flip says: Before you tell him you’re not interested in him consider this: he didn’t even wait for corpse to go cold before trying to marry you. What type of dorkwad asks a girl to marry him
before they even go out on date? So you totally need to say no… mainly because he’s a nutjob. As a result, I also recommend you
consider moving to a state with a concealed carry law for firearms so that when he loses his mind, you can drop him with a double-tap to the chest. Seriously. You’ve got a Stage 5 Clinger here! Don’t worry about his bruised ego — worry instead about making sure this wacko doesn’t go postal on you when you lay the bad news on him.
Incidentally, should you feel the need to go out on a date, I have a friend named Barry who is single and available.
